I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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