Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
