It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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