If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
