They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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