Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
