You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
