guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize