just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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