I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
