Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
