Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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