You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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