pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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