nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
