it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
