The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Im part way to drunk.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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