i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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