my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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