She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
