I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
