whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
