I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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