at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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