Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
