you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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