I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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