I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
