3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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