You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
