he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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