just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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