shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
