Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
