and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
