Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize