Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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