how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
