i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
