The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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