My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
