I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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