I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So many bounce houses so little time
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
