Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
