I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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