Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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