Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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