i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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