I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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