glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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