saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
