Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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