Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
