this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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