Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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