the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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